How did that happen?

Cheers

Yesterday, I got the kids off to school by 8:20am.  When they got home, I was ‘resting’ so Michael who worked from 6am-3, helped them with their homework, fed them and whisked them off to lacrosse practice.  They got home at 8:20pm.  I hadn’t seen anyone for 12 hours.

Those should have been 12 blissful hours of doing all the things I’d sworn to do if I’d ever had the time.  When I was a full time career girl and new Mom, I would have relished the idea of getting some insignificant little disease that would excuse me from work for.. say.. ever.  Not a disease where my face fell off or I gained weight, you know - just something a little inconvenient.  I was heady with delusions.

Don’t get me wrong - I really enjoyed my job.  I got to make wish lists and plot schemes for my department and think a lot.  And then I’d farm the work out to someone else.  It was sweet and now that I’m gone I miss it often.  But at the time, all I wanted was time - more time for me (I was truly a selfish b*&^*), more time for Michael and I; which he curiously wasn’t available for either.  He just had a full time job and was raising our kids almost singlehandedly.. (I wonder if he was spending his spare time having an affair - or maybe he played golf alot - or maybe he led a secret life as leader of a little known Jewish Cartel..)

Either way, the disembodied space voice that I spend way too much time talking with, granted my wish 5 years ago and bestowed upon me a MonSter.  So now my career is gone.  My face hasn’t fallen off, but I’ve gained the weight of a whole other person, and then of course there’s the MonSter’s evil minions eating away at my myelin sheath which, before then, I’d obviously taken for granted.

So the morals today suggest being careful what you wish for.  Just be happy with the grass you have here and now.  You can mow it - even plant a garden in it.  It’s your grass.  Just don’t wish it away.

I’m testing to see if I am actually able to post. Loved the story of the day off so far. Can’t wait for the next installment….

Why thank you!  I decided that 5 days was too long to tell the story of 1 day, so I cut it short.  The percocet and vodka polished off my story.  But please look for the fully embellished version in my memoirs - “It’s All In The Reflexes”

Cheers :)

·    Mandatory list #6 - Shower.  I was present for this but I think we can all agree - Failed.

Before washing down some percocet with vodka and signing off for the rest of the day, I would be remiss if I didn’t complete at least my list of ‘Manditories’..

·    Mandatory list #7 - Berate myself for not accomplishing any ‘Nice-to-haves’ - Overwhelming Success! (wait a second.  Just let me just give myself the bird some more… there we go.) 

Brilliant.  Simply brilliant.

And the moral of this painfully detailed novella - when it’s time to get out of bed in the morning - don’t.

Cheers

Ludicrous - I know.  It will all be over tomorrow.

·    Mandatory list #5 - Color hair

Before you say anything, I know I wasn’t in prime condition for something this dangerous, but I had managed to calm myself by the time I drove home from the bank.  Yet again, I said to the cosmos, “What could possibly go wrong?  Bad juju gone now.”  I quickly realized that I’ve never colored my hair without my contacts in, but glasses shouldn’t pose a problem.  On the other hand, I’d get goo all over the arms so I’ll take them off.  Being blind as a bat shouldn’t pose a problem.  Good juju.  Hmm.. the box looks different.. right brand - right shade, but this says ‘colour creme mousse’.  It’s never said that before but it sounds very French Canadian so it must be ok..  Hmm.. it’s.. foamy.. incredibly light and airy.. weightless yet luxurious at the same time.. Hmm.. not dripping all over my neck.. very nice. 

Sure.  It all sounded very nice.  I wrapped my hair in a towel lay on my bed to read and wait for the 20-minute timer in my head to go off. 

I’m not certain what woke me up an hour later.  It could have been the overwhelming smell of chemicals sizzling through every strand of hair on my head but I couldn’t be sure.  I dashed into the shower, ignoring the large black fuzzy spots in my peripheral vision.  I rinsed and conditioned six times but the chemical soup smell was still potent enough to burn all the hairs from my nasal cavities.  I exited the shower stall and stood in front of the mirror.  Quite dark, but my hair is naturally med. brown. (who am I kidding - I have no memory of my natural hair color)  And it’s wet.. so let me just put my glasses on to get a better look.. Ah.. now the black fuzzy spots aren’t fuzzy anymore - they’re.. all over the walls and the ceiling and the floor and the grout and the sink and the toilet. It was something straight out of a horror movie.  The light and airy, weightless yet luxurious at the same time colour creme mousse had inadvertently pelletted my once pristine white bathroom.  Note to self:  Don’t let the walls process for more than the suggested 20 minutes, lest the color should darken beyond what you would expect.. 

I dried my hair and sat down to pick out new colors for the bathroom walls and ceiling and floor and sink and grout and toilet.  And just in case this new stint as online interior designer extraordinaire doesn’t lead to a wildly successful reality show on TLC, I should apply as a stunt double for Joan Jett..or the Blackhearts.. whoever has the first available opening.  After all, I need to start putting away a small stash for coordinating towels and shower curtains.   Mandatory list #5 - Color hair - Abysmally Failed.